i came back with the intention of blogging all about the wonderful experiences i had at Lourdes and well, also the not so good experience i had at Paris. but, i'm currently in no mood to blog about those. so, i shall postpone the post about that for another time.
there's another reason why i desperately wanted to leave Singapore initially actually. one which i didn't tell anyone until i came back . but well, i went partly with the intention of forgetting someone-my first love, if i daresay. we were never together. and it wasn't easy having him as my well, first love. we liked each other at one point in time. or rather, HE likeD me one point in time, no need to mention about myself.and even if i do write about how i feel about him. i doubt so he'll know that it's him IF he reads this, hence the courage to write it. haha!
anyway , to continue the story ,i went away feeling glad? nono, rather, relieved! yes, relief that i could just fly away and everything that happened in singapore would just stay here, or even better, fly away too and never come back . but, as all of you can guessed, it was my wishful thinking. don't misunderstand, it wasn't that i wanted to forget those memories. nono, they were beautiful memories and he was, IS a great guy . the problems lies in the fact that well, i think it is impossible between us ? if we were meant to be , wouldn't we have gotten together a long time ago? instead, there were many signs that seems to be implying to me that we would be impossible . also, i do really think that i'm not good enough for him. once he gets out again , he could have gotten many better girls. way better than me . i'm too clumsy , too noisy, too .... everything i guess that are not good enough for him . so yeah , i wanted to dash all my hopes. and well just see him purely as a friend.
however, it was such a feat to accomplish afterall.
while i was away , i dreamt of him thrice. THRICE. and those dreams were the kinda dreams that made me not want to wake up ? because they were soooo nice, soooo sweet. and of course, only possible of happening in dreams. and dreams, well, dreams has all along been an issue which scares me for i could never figure out what they mean. and to me , dreams never do come true. so you can understand why i didn't wanna wake up. haha !
anyway , when i came back, it seems that not only have i not got over him , i seem to have fallen in even deeper. so deep, it scares me for nobody has ever had such an impact over me. haha and i have no idea when i fell.but we talked and ... in that conversation, he said some things which, well, call me a fool, but it ignited a hope in me again . i mean , do guys treat normal friends that way ? i never could figure guys out. i often offer great advices for my friends, or rather, advices which managed to cheer them up one way or another? but i am a fool when it comes to myself.
friends have called me hopeless. faith, fanghan, etc etc. haha i agree. im hopeless when it comes to him . and it is no joke when night falls. because that's the time i become really really upset. my jetlag, my nonstop coughing, coupled with my longing for him makes every night difficult.
and i no longer want to trouble or irritate any of my friends with my nonstop babbling of him. so i keep it in silently and try to control it, giving them the reason of my moodlessness the result of my jetlag.
i wonder what god is trying to do. if he doesn't want us together, then couldn't he at least make it easier for me to got over him ? but part of me knows that , i don't want to get over him. yes yes , i am contradicting myself like always.
and please don't assume you know who i'm talking about ( talking ESPECIALLY about you, patson goh, if you happen to read this, because that is exactly what i know you'll do ! haha you mightn't be correct) i guess i just need to vent everything out. i am feeling a tad fearful at blogging this post because i can foresee the scandals that would arise if people reads this. but, something inside me is stopping me from deleting it. ahhh, heck it.
they say that everyone won't forget their first loves. i guess they forgot to mention too that it isn't necessarily a good thing in not forgetting them.
♥Sunday, July 05, 2009
