which side of you is the genuine one?
which one?
i just dont know what to do with you.
you're so mind boggling.
today was a really zombified day.
attempted to continue doing my history trigger notes cause the sense of urgency has finally caught up with me. and im fretting over the lack of time to finish studying everything by the time A's come round.what with Berlin war, Can Vuong movement, Keynes theory. i cant imagine how the previous batches manage to complete studying ! and to think they keep saying my combination is the easiest to score. but i cant afford to fail this test. it's too important.press on, claudia!
Aqidah messaged me in the morning telling me that her family went to climb fort canning today.i felt a moment of envy and wished that i could also have been there, with no worries or anything.it seems as though at this age ..... we think that our parents or any adults are able to understand us. but you know what? i think even WE dont even understand ourselves!
Fanghan messaged me too... and we had this really weird conversation about characters.so what exactly am i then ? some people have layers that need to be peeled off.... some just have different sides to them which is just .... really confusing.to the outside world.... i might seem this way... only to my close friends... those who are REALLY close... do i then reveal the real me.
but i had totally no idea just how horrendous the outside world have of my character on the surface... these are some of them.... childish ? whiny? whoa ... if i ever hear that of somebody else.... i'll just totally not want to befriend them.... so i dont undestand why people are still friends with me.
anyway .... was having an msn conversation with aqidah .... and we were talking about being dependant on some people... and about .... death, which really scares me so.do you find.... that ... you would grow more dependant on people close to you ?? that one day, if they were to just suddenly disappear and vanish,you dont know how you can ever cope with life without them ? this thought really scares me.... maybe that's why i am ever so insecure .... about whether people likes me... about my friends.. whether we'll still be together after 20, 30 years... and grow old together. maybe...just maybe, it scares people off... but.. i cant help it. im sorry. im already trying my best to control all these insecurities.which according to my best friends arises because i think too much. oh well, what to do ? i just love you guys too much . i just dont want to lose you all.
this is to a certain somebody for im sure that person wouldn't read this anw... i just need to rant it off for i am feeling a tad piss: isn't it true that when building friendships.... in my case at least ... friends ARE suppose to go through thick and thin together? meaning both the good AND BAD times... i know i might sound greedy and all... but i do want to go through the BAD times too .... and be there for you.but everytime i try to put it across to you .... you either avoid the issue totally ... or you'll just keep giving the same answers! you say that i have a habit of living in denial and avoiding my problems... but isn't this a case of a pot calling a kettle black ? i know, i might not be able to help in anyway even if you tell me your problems or confide in me, but thats the best present which i can think of giving you-by being supportive and encouraging. at least, you'll know that you'll never be alone. but you know what? if you feel uncomfortable telling me things or anything.... and you're only willing to share the good times with us, well, i guess im just going to respect your decision and probably pray for you ...that you'll get through your problems in the best possible way.but... i'll probe you no further.... for i think it'll only add on to your burden..and i'll try to live with it.... at the same time, try my best to continue being a good friend.for..... i am at a loss, i truly am.
empty promises hurts.
♥Tuesday, June 17, 2008
